You can't drive me crazy...

Because I'm close enough to walk.

The screws are loose, people. I can hear the voices calling me, the pangs from beyond beckon me to do things against my own will... I'm slowly losing control of myself, my sanity has been breached.

How can I tell? How do I know that I'm losing my mind? When did the shoe drop? When I took my car to the dealer to get a new headlight bulb put in.

$50.

Now, I often say that the real test of a man's wealth isn't his ability to buy an expensive car. No, no my friends, it's the ability to keep said car up.

I used to drive a Toyota, headlight burned out, it cost me $12, and I could replace it myself... now I got this Volvo and dammit if I don't need two degrees and help from a NASA consultant to put washer fluid in it. And that's how they get you.

I haven't the firstfuckinclue what's going on under my hood... I popped it open a few months ago, looked inside and couldn't recognize anything in there... So, when anything goes wrong under there, I can only make educated guesses and reasonable assumptions as to what's wrong.

My car is smarter than me. And I spend good money to get reminded of that.

My pennance for such a silly purchase, obscene repair bills... I tithe to Howard Orloff Volvo/Jaguar/Land Rover at the alter of Jay, the customer service rep.

If you ever get a chance, pop open the hood of someone's expensive car and see just how much you can ID... if you get over 15% you're a frickin' genius.

Topic 7: Deciphering Women.

God made man, man was happy but he didn't know it. Then God made woman, man was happy for a while, and then grew to miss the lonliness. Then man made the garage, and he often sits there with beer and a tiny black & white TV set hopinf that woman and God don't see him.

Women are impossible to figure out... I'm learning this... They exist on an etheral plane between logic and emotion that men (for lack of full understanding of either) cannot co-exist on.

What's that mean, yo?

Basically, women are creatures of impulse and instinct and trying to figure out their motives as to why is almost like trying to take a picture of the wind... you'll see evidence of it, but never the root cause.

Why you worryin' about it though?

I'm not, per se, as much as I'm analyzing things more and reacting to things less, these days... Patience is becoming something I rely on more than anything, particularly with the women-folk.

What's all this mean?

I dunno... just needed to get some shit off my chest, respond to it how you'd like, I'm going to take my questions to Johnny Walker and let him help me sort it out.

I'm gone, it's 4:00 and I got work to do.

Every Woman, Every Man, Join The Caravan...

Some nights, I sit at home by myself, tossing back the remnants of a bottle of Dewars and watching Nightline trying to ease the pain of yet another 18 hour wake cycle and bracing myself for the next to come... It's weird, I spend so much time being out and trying to be "popular" with the DJ thing that sometimes, when I'm at home alone, it can get a little lonely.

But what am I to do? How do I fill this seeming void in my life? How can I make it to the next day knowing that I'll have to go it alone once again?

Well, I think I found the solution... Jerome Benton.

You know Jerome from The Time (Jesse, n-now Jerome!), he's the perfect affect to my (and your) low self esteem and lonliness issues. Who better to laugh at my jokes, tell me I look good, hold my mirror, and throw ice cold glasses of champagne in women's faces when they refuse to go out with me. Jerome did it all for Morris Day and dammit if I don't think he can't do it for me too. Jerome can fill the void. Jerome is the best friend I need.

Sidekicks and henchmen aren't easy to come by, but I think I need one.

Topic 6: Bad Ideas.

If you ever feel a specific need to try to eat the rest of a cold meatball sub at 4 in the morning, and wash it down with warm tapwater, let me tell you now, it's not a good idea.

Falling Down.

It's one of those days, folks.

One of those days where, try as I might o do right, it's all coming up wrong.

Woke up late.
Broke my razor.
Missed the 8:30 bus.
8:50 bus got caught in hellacious traffic.
Got to work late.
Boss was trippin' (yeah, I messed up, again).

I wish I could buy me a spaceship and fly, past the sky... This is one of them days that, if I wasn't wrapped too tight, I might just crack. It's indicative of the kind of week I've been having, I just can't do right, can't get it together, can't make the pieces fit in the right holes... even the good has come with bad this week.

My boy Raj says there's no such thing as luck. I often use this logic when I say "bad luck starts with bad ideas and end with their naturally bad conclusions," but damn, yo. Can I get a break for something. Throw me a line here, I'm a little short on optimism and running high on anger right now.

See, this is where women have it easy. Having a rough day? Someone says something you don't like or that's offensive? Just not getting it together? Women can just stop and cry and people see that as a legitimate form on expression. As a man, that shit just don't fly. I'm forced to soldier on and keep the party going even though I'd like to do nothing more than go home, cut off all the lights, and go to sleep until Sunday.

Can't run from your problems though. Gotta face 'em, and with all this manure, there's gotta be a pony around here somewhere.

Topic 5- How much Jesus is too much Jesus?

My coworker listens to gospel music all day, everyday. I can understand one's love and affinity for their Lord and Savior and I often wish I could have so much faith as to be able to subscribe to a religious belief without a hint of sinicism... cutting it short, she loves Jesus, and we know this because she praises him everyday for everything.

Me:"Wow, my mom doesn't have cancer"
Jesusfreakco-worker: "Praise the lord!"

Me: "Whew, good thing we caught this mistake before it went to the client"
Jesusfreakco-worker: "Praise Jee-zus!"

Me: "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance"
Jesusfreakco-worker: "The Lord is good!"

I'd be surprised if, when Jesus comes back, he's actually a pretty self affacing guy who doesn't take praise very well...

Long story short, there's a right time and right place to praise the Lord.

Grandma walked again after the stroke? God is good.

Found exact change for a Snicker bar in the astray? Dap me up and keep it movin'.

I'm going to hell, I know. I'm sorry.

Fishing In The Mainstream

I hate to break it to you people, but I'm not cool. Well, in the grand scheme of things. I mean, I'm cooler than you, but me compared to say Gordon Parks or maybe James Bond, I'm not cool.

I've found that my quest to be edgy or trendy often comes into conflict with my own sensibilities of style... now, I'm a stylish dude, I got the sneaker collection and rows of fine clothing to prove it... I look at some of the stuff people say is hot and I just don't get it.

Metrosexuality. Someone needs to end this trend, now. The idea that me and my boys would actually spend an entrire day nancying about Michigan Ave helping one another decide which shoe looks best with pleated front slacks while dicussing what we use to shave chest hair right before we sip reisling and snack on foi gras, well, that idea don't sit right with me.

I can't ride that trend, yo. I come from the south, straight dudes who act like gay dudes have a 78% chance of getting punched by a NASCAR fan or catching a bad one from one of the dirty dirty's finest street urchins.

So what am I saying here? Well, first of all, I'm cooler than you. Get used to this fact, it'll make things a lot easier on you in the future. Secondly, measuring your coolness based on the latest trend or what ever ClosetGayMan Magazine says is hot is a surefire was to wind up with a closet full of funny lookin' versace shirts, hammer pants, and LA Gear.

It's your life, it might suck, but it's yours. Live it on your own terms.

Topic 4: Drunken confessions. Yo, I'm not a priest, but when people get a taste of the drink, they always feel like they gotta tell me some dark secret about themselves. It's uncanny, like, I have this look to me when I get to drinking that screams "Please place me in an uncomfortable situation by saying something absurd right now!"

Drunk Friend: "Man, rememma that big three hunnid poun' chick from that day at Vern an'nem house?"
Me: "Who, Orca? Maaaan, that was one bloated lookin' fee, she was sweatin' chicken grease. I bet her bloodtype is Ragu, yo!."
Drunk Friend: "Yeah, you know I hit that, right?"
Me: *blank stare*
Drunk Friend: "It was good too, yo. Big girls need lovin' too!"
Me: "Don't ever, in your life, disturb me like that again. I can't eat anymore."
Drunk Friend: "Don't hate"
Me: "To each his own."

...these are real conversations I've had, people. You can't make shit like this up.

It's the only answer that makes sense.

I've often told people, when posed with a problem, when a crisis arises out of seemingly nowhere, when it inexplicably hits the fan, you can usually find the solution by first finding the root of the problem. In these cases, usually when you eliminate all rational, logical, and reasonable conclusions, taking out any type of answer that makes sense, you're left with two conclusions as to the root of the problem.

Magic or Stupidity.

Now, I've seen some pretty cool tricks over the years and I've fallen victim to some slight of hand and the occassional moment of "how'd he do that?". But, unfortunately, I don't believe in magic. I do, however, believe firmly in the idiocy of others. I've seen it far too many times, so much so, I treat random acts of intelligence like Catholics treat an image of the Madonna in a tree stump or how some Buddhists view the birth of a new Dahli Lama... clearly, these events to happen often, so when they do, I try to cherish them.

There are fools abound, near and far, and there's nothing you, nor I can really do about that. The REAL problem is when idiots, fools, dummies, and other random ne're-do-wells inact their inept will upon you or your day. Nothing derails the happy train like stupidity, particularly the stupidity of others.

What's the message, man? What's this got to do with me?

Well, you're probably an idiot... it's okay, we're all prone to random acts of idiocy, lapses of conciousness, dips below average. I do it myself. But, when in the midst of doing something stupid, you realize just how dub it is, do me this favor.

Stop. Put down whatever you're doing. Apologize to someone for doing whatever stupid act it is you're doing to the nearest individual.

Got that?

Topic 3: People who dress their pets.

These people need to be dragged into the streets and beaten with rakes. There are children in Guatemala who don't have shoes and yet these dolts feel the need to put a sweater on a pug. WTF. God gave the animal fur, that's the sweater God gave it, and far be it from me to questions the intentions of the almighty.

If you feel the urge to clothe your pets, stop. call me. I'll come to your house and gently slap some sense into you.

The view from the valley.

I've been doing this "grown-up" thing now for about four years with some successes and some failures. I got a job (good) but I don't make enough money (bad). So sometimes, I feel like I'm just working to maintain a lifestyle that I aspire to or that I'm accustomed to living after all those years at home doing what I want, getting what I want... now, I have bills, I have responsibility, I have to prioritize my life in order to make it from check to check.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not poor. I'm functionally broke. I'm part of a class of corporate poverty in which your yearly salary is good, but not compensatory to your yearly aspirations. So like any chump in my bind, I have accrued debt and moved to the beyond my means zone to keep up with the Jonses and have cool stuff like my friends (who are, coincidentally, breaking themselves trying to keep up with me)... Isn't it ironic.

I often view my adult life like Lewis and Clark emerging from the Missouri Valley and taking their first gaze upon the Rocky Mountains. The pass must've seemed insurmountable, dark mountain after dark mountain without a seemingly "easy" path to follow. I'm not alone in this, I know. There are plenty of people in my age group and professional level looking at this same psycho-geographic connundrum... moving from the easy path of childhood and semi-adulthood into full blown grown-updom. One wonders if they will be like Edmund Hillary, or the Donner Party in their attempts to scale the dark mountains ahead.

I'll make it, I have no choice. I don't do failure well.

But I digress.

Topic 2: Stupid questions people ask me when I work at nightclubs.

So, you know I DJ and work the door at several nightclubs in Chicago, and more often than not, I'm confronted by the rampant stupidity that has consumed black Chicago. Here's an actual conversation I had last night at the door at Funky Buddah Lounge:

Club Idiot: "What's it look like in there?"
Me: "Like a nightclub"
Club Idiot: "I'm sayin', yo. What's it lookin' like in there, fo'real!"
Me: "Dark"
Club Idiot: *silence*
Me: "So, you gonna gimme your money, or do you need any more obvious answers?"
Club Idiot: *reaches in pocket and gives up loot*
Me: "Thanks!"

People concern me.

So I'm new to this blog thing...

But it's gotten to the point in my life and in my skull where I can no longer contain the random and wanton thoughts that often banty about my head and haunt my conscience, so I've decided to pollute others too.

Call me what you'd like, but I'm not selfish when it comes to my opinions. I have several. Some of them make sense.

So, in the meantime, I'll make you a deal; you come here every once and a while and check in on me, and I'll give you something to think about...

Topic 1- I was standing outside the other day, smoking a cigarette and minding my own business when a homeless dude walked up to me...

Homeless Guy: "You know that smokin' is bad fo' ya!"
Me: "So is sleeping outside."
Homeless Guy: *silence*
Me: "I'm going to Hell for that comment, here's 28 cents, promise you won't tell Jesus, mmmkay?"

Welcome to the inside of my head... have a snack and enjoy.