Oh Blah Di, Oh Blah Dah...

Life goes on... not because you neccesarily want it to, but because it has to.

Monday morning, much like many other Monday mornings, I decided I'd drive to work to save time and make my morning a little easier. I pulled out of the alley onto Hyde Park Blvd, like I've done several times in the past, when.

all of a sudden.

out of nowhere.

really surprising thing happened.

I got hit by one of those flatbed eighteen wheeler trucks... took the front end of my car off... dragged me down the street a bit... it was amazingly not as scary (during the actual event) as I thought it would be.

I guess I was caught between the "OH SHIT!" of the impact and the "WOW!" of watching about $14,000 worth of purchase get ripped to pieces right in front of me. Good thing I drove a Volvo... if it was a Civic, I might be typing this from the hospital.

So my car was wrecked... hey, shit happens, right? Well, apparently my driver's licence had been suspended, so once they figured out they didn't have to take me to the hospital, they took me to jail.

I guess this is about when I stopped really worrying about my situation and slipped into this maniacal haze... my thoughts started teetering so far left of absurd that I began to find large amounts of humor in my predicament.

Some of my thoughts from jail:
-"Man, if I don't show up at work today, does this count as a Sick Day or a Personal Day? Because they need to have "Holyfuckingshit THAT happened to you?!?" Days for personal catastrophes like this"

-"I wonder how many cigarettes and candy bars I'm worth?"

-"Next time, fuck the trailer, aim for the tractor."

-"This has GOTTA get me some sympathy beat, I mean, I tell a chick I've been in jail AND I wrecked my car she's gonna be more than obliged to sleep with me."

That's about what I can remember.

Long story short, after getting shaken down for about $350 by the City Of Chicago, I got to take my car to the dealership.

Now, let me explain something, I always get funny looks when I take my car to the Volvo dealer... somehow, I don't fit the white suburban soccer mom profile that predominates the waiting area at Howard Orloff... but Monday, the real highlight was hopping out of the tow truck with my vehicular carnage strapped to the back as I calmly strolled to the service area and asked them for an oil change and to reset my clock. I got a genuine laugh off that one. The ladies of the Junior League also took special notice of my City Of Chicago 29th Precinct wristband... The hits just kept on coming.

After a morning like that, there's only one place that once could go to feel halfway normal, sane, and safe and that was work. I went because I just didn't know what else to do... but it was therapeutic, for a while, to have other shit to worry about.

Day turns to night, night turns to new problems...

The anxiety of the day finally caught up with me and the thought of having to hash out the details of my day, alone, was daunting. Everytime I closed my eyes I'd replay the accident in my head and that moment of impact kept jarring me out of my comfort. I didn't know who to call, I didn't know who I could really turn to without seeming like I was losing it (which, for a little while I was)... I called my ex, I just needed some company and we're still cool. Quietly, I still care about her, and I think she feels the same way about me. Or at least I thought so.

She told me she couldn't come see me because she was seeing someone esle, seriously. Of course, this is after I'd been acting in the role of handy-man/do-boy for her. So I was taken back by her statements. Honestly, for the past two days I've been quite angry at her about it and I don't know why (I do, but I'm not going to say it here)... It was a fine ending to a shitty day.

But that's no longer the here nor there.

I guess if you've read this far down, you're waiting for the punchline... well, there isn't one per se as much as there are some fine observations that I've gleaned from this week.

The first being that above all else, being alive is the shit. A few seconds too early on that turn and someone might've been planning my memorial services. Hey, shit sucks right now, but this is temporary and in a month or so, I'll be doing much better... Death, well, ain't no coming back from that.

The second thing I've learned from this is what I knew all along and that's the fact that I am alone and that means I can't depend on anyone else to take care of me except me... I'm on an island and no one else is responsible for me and I cannot rely on the favors I grant to be returned when I need them. In a sense, fuck people, when you need them they will probably be busy dealing with their own problems.

The third thing is that, Volvos are damn good cars. I went head up with an 18 Wheeler and I'm no worse for the wear... I'll probably never buy another car that's not a Volvo, unless it's a tank.

and the last thing:

If you don't have sense enough to laugh at yourself, you have no right to laugh at anything... Dammit if that shit didn't give me a good chuckle at least three or four times this week. If I couldn't or didn't laugh at this whole thing, I'm afraid I'd break down and lose it.

oh, and one more thing.

My momma loves me.

Yes and No.

I've been gone for a while, but I needed to get this off my chest today.

Life is a tricky thing, you know... everyday we hang by this thin thread that keeps our orderly existence from collapsing into chaos and despair, all based on the decisions that we make and the paths that we choose to go down.

Everything that we choose to do, be it by our own will or under the guidance of proveidence, has an impact on the next day, the next few hours, the coming minutes... there is nothing more empowering than thinking about the future, but that is only because there is so much to lose, it's a counterbalance that we rarely stop to think about. In the end, it all boils down to Yes and No.

To affirm or to deny is the hallmark of any decision that we choose to make, pro or con, it's a simple way of looking at how options are presented and how life can either flourish or suffer based on the simplest reactions. I think a lot of times, we cloud our judgements in verbose ramblings trying to use justification for an action as a substitute for the action itself... am I losing you? I'm sorry, I'm on a tangent.

I guess what I really want to talk about is simple decisions that turn out to be bad decisions... making the wrong turn onto a dark street, drinking the milk a few days after the expiration date, leaving your umbrella in the car, etc. The same can be said, and should be said about the company one chooses to keep and the affects of that affiliation.

It's not rare for us, as individuals, to overlook the flaws of other for the sake of maintaining positive relationships... no one wants to be alone, and no one's perfect so I guess the two balance each other out... but sometimes, we find ourselves affiliated with certain individuals or groups of individuals that, although on the surface seems to be okay, underneath lies and problem.

Two options here... choose to ignore what you know is wrong with the other individual (a tacit "yes") and agree to be a party to whatever they've chosen for themselves, or choose to distance yourself (the underlying "no") and allow them to do whatever it is or was they wanted to do all along, accepting no responsibilty for them and essentially creating a barrier in that relationship.

Sometimes, we associate with people who we know could be bad for us in the long run, but we don't think that far ahead... the short term is good enough and consequences are an afterthought and associated with guilt which is a feeling no one likes, so we travel down the primrose path with someone who may very well be on the way to their own destruction and hence, leading us to our own. After a while, you lose your yes and no options and you're tied in, a party to the fate of another, and you're powerless... thing is, most of the time we don't even know it.

I guess I'm rambling again... you have to pardon me, I got some disturbing news today about someone who I always knew as a good hearted person who was killed because she was with someone who made a bad decision. All I can think is how to balance pity and blame... how to be pragmatic when you hear news like that without having the "but shit like that shouldn't happen to anyone" thoughts overtake reason. I'm just kinda shocked... you know, I've known guys who I grew up with to get shot and I usually think "man, that's messed up, but he had it coming 'cause he was running with so and so"... but this, to think about how this whole thing happened, it's a real mindblower, you never want to hear about something like that happening to someone who was a genuinely good person.

But it goes back to yes and no, I guess... and I guess even that goes back to fate. I'm just taken back when I get news like that, and I wonder why things like that happen, and the only answers I can really draw from are yes and no. Be careful.

Yes and No.

I've been gone for a while, but I needed to get this off my chest today.

Life is a tricky thing, you know... everyday we hang by this thin thread that keeps our orderly existence from collapsing into chaos and despair, all based on the decisions that we make and the paths that we choose to go down.

Everything that we choose to do, be it by our own will or under the guidance of proveidence, has an impact on the next day, the next few hours, the coming minutes... there is nothing more empowering than thinking about the future, but that is only because there is so much to lose, it's a counterbalance that we rarely stop to think about. In the end, it all boils down to Yes and No.

To affirm or to deny is the hallmark of any decision that we choose to make, pro or con, it's a simple way of looking at how options are presented and how life can either flourish or suffer based on the simplest reactions. I think a lot of times, we cloud our judgements in verbose ramblings trying to use justification for an action as a substitute for the action itself... am I losing you? I'm sorry, I'm on a tangent.

I guess what I really want to talk about is simple decisions that turn out to be bad decisions... making the wrong turn onto a dark street, drinking the milk a few days after the expiration date, leaving your umbrella in the car, etc. The same can be said, and should be said about the company one chooses to keep and the affects of that affiliation.

It's not rare for us, as individuals, to overlook the flaws of other for the sake of maintaining positive relationships... no one wants to be alone, and no one's perfect so I guess the two balance each other out... but sometimes, we find ourselves affiliated with certain individuals or groups of individuals that, although on the surface seems to be okay, underneath lies and problem.

Two options here... choose to ignore what you know is wrong with the other individual (a tacit "yes") and agree to be a party to whatever they've chosen for themselves, or choose to distance yourself (the underlying "no") and allow them to do whatever it is or was they wanted to do all along, accepting no responsibilty for them and essentially creating a barrier in that relationship.

Sometimes, we associate with people who we know could be bad for us in the long run, but we don't think that far ahead... the short term is good enough and consequences are an afterthought and associated with guilt which is a feeling no one likes, so we travel down the primrose path with someone who may very well be on the way to their own destruction and hence, leading us to our own. After a while, you lose your yes and no options and you're tied in, a party to the fate of another, and you're powerless... thing is, most of the time we don't even know it.

I guess I'm rambling again... you have to pardon me, I got some disturbing news today about someone who I always knew as a good hearted person who was killed because she was with someone who made a bad decision. All I can think is how to balance pity and blame... how to be pragmatic when you hear news like that without having the "but shit like that shouldn't happen to anyone" thoughts overtake reason. I'm just kinda shocked... you know, I've known guys who I grew up with to get shot and I usually think "man, that's messed up, but he had it coming 'cause he was running with so and so"... but this, to think about how this whole thing happened, it's a real mindblower, you never want to hear about something like that happening to someone who was a genuinely good person.

But it goes back to yes and no, I guess... and I guess even that goes back to fate. I'm just taken back when I get news like that, and I wonder why things like that happen, and the only answers I can really draw from are yes and no. Be careful.

You can't drive me crazy...

Because I'm close enough to walk.

The screws are loose, people. I can hear the voices calling me, the pangs from beyond beckon me to do things against my own will... I'm slowly losing control of myself, my sanity has been breached.

How can I tell? How do I know that I'm losing my mind? When did the shoe drop? When I took my car to the dealer to get a new headlight bulb put in.

$50.

Now, I often say that the real test of a man's wealth isn't his ability to buy an expensive car. No, no my friends, it's the ability to keep said car up.

I used to drive a Toyota, headlight burned out, it cost me $12, and I could replace it myself... now I got this Volvo and dammit if I don't need two degrees and help from a NASA consultant to put washer fluid in it. And that's how they get you.

I haven't the firstfuckinclue what's going on under my hood... I popped it open a few months ago, looked inside and couldn't recognize anything in there... So, when anything goes wrong under there, I can only make educated guesses and reasonable assumptions as to what's wrong.

My car is smarter than me. And I spend good money to get reminded of that.

My pennance for such a silly purchase, obscene repair bills... I tithe to Howard Orloff Volvo/Jaguar/Land Rover at the alter of Jay, the customer service rep.

If you ever get a chance, pop open the hood of someone's expensive car and see just how much you can ID... if you get over 15% you're a frickin' genius.

Topic 7: Deciphering Women.

God made man, man was happy but he didn't know it. Then God made woman, man was happy for a while, and then grew to miss the lonliness. Then man made the garage, and he often sits there with beer and a tiny black & white TV set hopinf that woman and God don't see him.

Women are impossible to figure out... I'm learning this... They exist on an etheral plane between logic and emotion that men (for lack of full understanding of either) cannot co-exist on.

What's that mean, yo?

Basically, women are creatures of impulse and instinct and trying to figure out their motives as to why is almost like trying to take a picture of the wind... you'll see evidence of it, but never the root cause.

Why you worryin' about it though?

I'm not, per se, as much as I'm analyzing things more and reacting to things less, these days... Patience is becoming something I rely on more than anything, particularly with the women-folk.

What's all this mean?

I dunno... just needed to get some shit off my chest, respond to it how you'd like, I'm going to take my questions to Johnny Walker and let him help me sort it out.

I'm gone, it's 4:00 and I got work to do.

Every Woman, Every Man, Join The Caravan...

Some nights, I sit at home by myself, tossing back the remnants of a bottle of Dewars and watching Nightline trying to ease the pain of yet another 18 hour wake cycle and bracing myself for the next to come... It's weird, I spend so much time being out and trying to be "popular" with the DJ thing that sometimes, when I'm at home alone, it can get a little lonely.

But what am I to do? How do I fill this seeming void in my life? How can I make it to the next day knowing that I'll have to go it alone once again?

Well, I think I found the solution... Jerome Benton.

You know Jerome from The Time (Jesse, n-now Jerome!), he's the perfect affect to my (and your) low self esteem and lonliness issues. Who better to laugh at my jokes, tell me I look good, hold my mirror, and throw ice cold glasses of champagne in women's faces when they refuse to go out with me. Jerome did it all for Morris Day and dammit if I don't think he can't do it for me too. Jerome can fill the void. Jerome is the best friend I need.

Sidekicks and henchmen aren't easy to come by, but I think I need one.

Topic 6: Bad Ideas.

If you ever feel a specific need to try to eat the rest of a cold meatball sub at 4 in the morning, and wash it down with warm tapwater, let me tell you now, it's not a good idea.

Falling Down.

It's one of those days, folks.

One of those days where, try as I might o do right, it's all coming up wrong.

Woke up late.
Broke my razor.
Missed the 8:30 bus.
8:50 bus got caught in hellacious traffic.
Got to work late.
Boss was trippin' (yeah, I messed up, again).

I wish I could buy me a spaceship and fly, past the sky... This is one of them days that, if I wasn't wrapped too tight, I might just crack. It's indicative of the kind of week I've been having, I just can't do right, can't get it together, can't make the pieces fit in the right holes... even the good has come with bad this week.

My boy Raj says there's no such thing as luck. I often use this logic when I say "bad luck starts with bad ideas and end with their naturally bad conclusions," but damn, yo. Can I get a break for something. Throw me a line here, I'm a little short on optimism and running high on anger right now.

See, this is where women have it easy. Having a rough day? Someone says something you don't like or that's offensive? Just not getting it together? Women can just stop and cry and people see that as a legitimate form on expression. As a man, that shit just don't fly. I'm forced to soldier on and keep the party going even though I'd like to do nothing more than go home, cut off all the lights, and go to sleep until Sunday.

Can't run from your problems though. Gotta face 'em, and with all this manure, there's gotta be a pony around here somewhere.

Topic 5- How much Jesus is too much Jesus?

My coworker listens to gospel music all day, everyday. I can understand one's love and affinity for their Lord and Savior and I often wish I could have so much faith as to be able to subscribe to a religious belief without a hint of sinicism... cutting it short, she loves Jesus, and we know this because she praises him everyday for everything.

Me:"Wow, my mom doesn't have cancer"
Jesusfreakco-worker: "Praise the lord!"

Me: "Whew, good thing we caught this mistake before it went to the client"
Jesusfreakco-worker: "Praise Jee-zus!"

Me: "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance"
Jesusfreakco-worker: "The Lord is good!"

I'd be surprised if, when Jesus comes back, he's actually a pretty self affacing guy who doesn't take praise very well...

Long story short, there's a right time and right place to praise the Lord.

Grandma walked again after the stroke? God is good.

Found exact change for a Snicker bar in the astray? Dap me up and keep it movin'.

I'm going to hell, I know. I'm sorry.

Fishing In The Mainstream

I hate to break it to you people, but I'm not cool. Well, in the grand scheme of things. I mean, I'm cooler than you, but me compared to say Gordon Parks or maybe James Bond, I'm not cool.

I've found that my quest to be edgy or trendy often comes into conflict with my own sensibilities of style... now, I'm a stylish dude, I got the sneaker collection and rows of fine clothing to prove it... I look at some of the stuff people say is hot and I just don't get it.

Metrosexuality. Someone needs to end this trend, now. The idea that me and my boys would actually spend an entrire day nancying about Michigan Ave helping one another decide which shoe looks best with pleated front slacks while dicussing what we use to shave chest hair right before we sip reisling and snack on foi gras, well, that idea don't sit right with me.

I can't ride that trend, yo. I come from the south, straight dudes who act like gay dudes have a 78% chance of getting punched by a NASCAR fan or catching a bad one from one of the dirty dirty's finest street urchins.

So what am I saying here? Well, first of all, I'm cooler than you. Get used to this fact, it'll make things a lot easier on you in the future. Secondly, measuring your coolness based on the latest trend or what ever ClosetGayMan Magazine says is hot is a surefire was to wind up with a closet full of funny lookin' versace shirts, hammer pants, and LA Gear.

It's your life, it might suck, but it's yours. Live it on your own terms.

Topic 4: Drunken confessions. Yo, I'm not a priest, but when people get a taste of the drink, they always feel like they gotta tell me some dark secret about themselves. It's uncanny, like, I have this look to me when I get to drinking that screams "Please place me in an uncomfortable situation by saying something absurd right now!"

Drunk Friend: "Man, rememma that big three hunnid poun' chick from that day at Vern an'nem house?"
Me: "Who, Orca? Maaaan, that was one bloated lookin' fee, she was sweatin' chicken grease. I bet her bloodtype is Ragu, yo!."
Drunk Friend: "Yeah, you know I hit that, right?"
Me: *blank stare*
Drunk Friend: "It was good too, yo. Big girls need lovin' too!"
Me: "Don't ever, in your life, disturb me like that again. I can't eat anymore."
Drunk Friend: "Don't hate"
Me: "To each his own."

...these are real conversations I've had, people. You can't make shit like this up.

It's the only answer that makes sense.

I've often told people, when posed with a problem, when a crisis arises out of seemingly nowhere, when it inexplicably hits the fan, you can usually find the solution by first finding the root of the problem. In these cases, usually when you eliminate all rational, logical, and reasonable conclusions, taking out any type of answer that makes sense, you're left with two conclusions as to the root of the problem.

Magic or Stupidity.

Now, I've seen some pretty cool tricks over the years and I've fallen victim to some slight of hand and the occassional moment of "how'd he do that?". But, unfortunately, I don't believe in magic. I do, however, believe firmly in the idiocy of others. I've seen it far too many times, so much so, I treat random acts of intelligence like Catholics treat an image of the Madonna in a tree stump or how some Buddhists view the birth of a new Dahli Lama... clearly, these events to happen often, so when they do, I try to cherish them.

There are fools abound, near and far, and there's nothing you, nor I can really do about that. The REAL problem is when idiots, fools, dummies, and other random ne're-do-wells inact their inept will upon you or your day. Nothing derails the happy train like stupidity, particularly the stupidity of others.

What's the message, man? What's this got to do with me?

Well, you're probably an idiot... it's okay, we're all prone to random acts of idiocy, lapses of conciousness, dips below average. I do it myself. But, when in the midst of doing something stupid, you realize just how dub it is, do me this favor.

Stop. Put down whatever you're doing. Apologize to someone for doing whatever stupid act it is you're doing to the nearest individual.

Got that?

Topic 3: People who dress their pets.

These people need to be dragged into the streets and beaten with rakes. There are children in Guatemala who don't have shoes and yet these dolts feel the need to put a sweater on a pug. WTF. God gave the animal fur, that's the sweater God gave it, and far be it from me to questions the intentions of the almighty.

If you feel the urge to clothe your pets, stop. call me. I'll come to your house and gently slap some sense into you.